THIS Is How You Find True and Real Love: Expert Tips for Long-Term Love

If you've ever been in love or got lost in a daydream of romance, you may have gotten the idea in your head that those intense feelings of true love will last forever. But real love is more than just the initial feelings of butterflies. The strong attraction and the intense feelings that come with romantic love may fade in and out during a long term relationship. Relationship specialist and psychologist, Mark E. Sharp, PhD, explains that after those beginning feelings fade, most couples are left with feelings of connection and affection. Even so, most couples have to work to keep their relationship lasting. Even those who experience real love that lasts the test of time have to work at it. So how do you find a love like this? Where do you even begin? That love to give, but to who? Love can take a lot of work, even if it's for yourself. Relationship expert Margaret Paul, PhD, states in a mindbodygreen podcast and article that there is a big difference between trying to get love and actually sharing love.

Importance of Self-Love in Relationships

We can't share love if we don't have love to share. So does this mean you can't love anyone if you don't love yourself? No. But loving yourself sure does seem to make things easier in relationships. Insecurities and harsh judgments about yourself can hurt a relationship. You may commonly look to only your partner to soothe these self doubts and assure yourself. And while most people love assurance from their partner, it could be It's unhealthy to rely on only them for those harsh insecurities to be tamed. Relationship expert Margaret Paul puts it into perspective by asking that people imagine their inner selves as a child. She explains, you would not be going around a neighborhood trying to find somebody else to take care of your child, right? You take care of that child yourself, perhaps figuring out the next steps as you go along. Apply that logic to yourself. What would happen if you asked someone else to care for your inner self? The love of your life may gladly help care for your inner child, but feelings of rejection and abandonment may come into play from you in regards to yourself. Even if your partner loves your inner child, that kid is still going to look up to you feeling a bit neglected. Paul says that when you don't love yourself, that's what happens on the inner level.

Recognizing Relationship Red Flags

Beware of these red flags. If you want to find a love that's healthy and lasts, then you should be aware of these common relationship red flags. For starters, a good relationship shouldn't revolve around needing to feel needed. Falling into emotional dependency early in the dating process with your partner can often be a bad idea. People often want to feel needed and can go into relationships mainly looking for this type of satisfaction. Psychiatrist Abigail Brenner, MD, explains in psychology today that the need may be that you, my partner, must do certain things for me to make me feel secure and satisfied, or that you allow me, your partner, to feel needed by fulfilling your needs. But she warns that this will often lead to a relationship with little or nowhere to grow. On a first date, it's also a good idea to look out for the big red flag of someone negatively ranting about their ex. Psychotherapist Katie Gillis explains in psychology today that it shows an enormous lack of respect towards others in their life and ultimately speaks to their integrity. There is an appropriate way time to discuss concerns and issues with previous partners. Then there's some other classic red flags: lying, jealousy, egocentrism, controlling manners. The list goes on. But perhaps one red flag that people sometimes try to convince themselves out of is simply feeling uncomfortable around them. What? Yes. It's sometimes obvious that we as humans would turn away from what makes us uncomfortable. But psychologically, there's more at play here. Psychotherapist Katie Gillis explains that trauma survivors, specifically those with a family origin of trauma, have learned a coping mechanism to ignore or even deny their reality. She goes on explaining that poor treatment is often normalized in their adult relationships due to them being taught as children that those who are supposed to provide love and comfort often end up hurting them. A healthy, loving relationship shouldn't be filled with ill-treatment. Gillis recommends to pay attention to the amount of time you spend trying to decipher untruths or lies. When you catch yourself saying, That just does not make any sense, trust that feeling. If you're often feeling uncomfortable, but find yourself automatically dismissing it, that is an important red flag that you shouldn't ignore.

Identifying Green Flags in Relationships

The green flag that may lead to love. Okay, so we've talked about red flags, but what about green flags? Common One green flags in a relationship can be consistent kindness, trustworthiness, communication, reliability, and prioritizing each other. But there is one green flag you can look out for to see if you found a partner that could truly love you or already does. A 2006 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that how your partner reacts to your good news rather than just bad news, can reveal a lot about your relationship. 79 couples were videotaped discussing good news and bad news to their partner. Researchers observed the partner's behavior and response to hearing the good news and bad news. The person giving the news rated how understood, validated, and cared for they felt during the reveal of news. After two months, the researchers checked in on those couples again and found that responses to positive event discussions were more closely related to relationship well-being and breakup than were responses to negative event discussions. The results are discussed in terms of the recurrent, but often overlooked, role that positive emotional exchanges play in building relationship resources. 

Reacting to Good News as a Green Flag

If you want a clue into how your relationship is going, reveal some good news to your partner. Do they passively approve or show genuine excitement, mutual delight, or are they a bit detached in response to your joy? If you're mutually sharing the happiness this good news brings, then that seems like a pretty green flag. Making your love last. Perhaps you're thinking all is going pretty well. Love seems to be in the air. But how do you make it last? Well, there are a few things that may help. For one, a strong foundation is vital. In an article for PsychCentral, licensed marriage and family therapist, Modita Rastoghi, PhD, explains that your interests, opinions, and experiences can change as you grow. But if you share the same core belief systems, you will have a platform from which to build a strong relationship. Core beliefs and values can be very important in a long-term healthy relationship. But what about the little things? When one first starts dating, perhaps indeed looking for love, they may get too hung up on sharing similar interests, the small ones. But this doesn't always lead to a successful relationship. Similar interests and hobbies aren't as important as you may think initially.

Building a Strong Foundation with Core Beliefs

Licensed Associate marriage and family therapist Sheila Tucker, L-A-M-F-T, explains to Bustle that we're often led to believe that we need to be compatible in every area of our lives in order for a relationship to work. However, relationships often work best when you have the ability to do both things apart as well as together. So while core values and beliefs seem to foster a loving and healthy long-term relationship, varying hobbies and interests can as well. You may just both take an interest in each other's interests as long as you get to know each other And if not, some time doing your own thing is healthy too, as long as you both spend quality time together during other moments. But what about conflict, you may ask. Well, clinical psychologist Yana Anna Dubinsky, PSYD, has found in her research that conflict is bound to happen with all couples at some time. The key here is how they handle and manage their conflict. So instead of focusing on winning the fight, listening to understand what your partner is trying to express, seems more vital, don't you think? Dubinsky continued to explain in an article from Psych Central that, We don't have to agree, but we must work to understand. So once you found love, it's best to not only enjoy it, but to truly try to understand the source of it all as well. Who is it you love?